surviving suicide

Surviving Suicide

Suicidal ideations happen to everyone at some point of time, whether serious or incidental. You have to admit you have thought this world or your world might be better if you were dead at some point in time. But what does that mean to someone who truly means it? What is running through a person's head who feels hopeless in everything? How can a normal, healthy thinking individual help a loved one survive suicide without some real understanding of the irrational thoughts that loved one is experiencing?

I imagine suicidal thoughts are different for everyone. I can only speak on my own behalf because the subject is so taboo. I will admit though that I have spoken to one other trusted friend suffering with these same ideas & there were many similarities in our thinking. First let me start off by reassuring you that my suicidal ideations are just that-ideations. You don't have to worry about me pursuing them. That's why I'm so open to talking about this. If I were planning on executing my thoughts, I wouldn't be telling you them. I only want to inform others on what I didn't understand before I felt these in hopes & prayer that you might be able to use this information to help another whom is suffering & needs an understanding friend.

Allow me to give you a brief history. My first thoughts of suicide came when I was around 8 years old. My mom was a single mom. She would frequent a little store right down the street on occasion. When she would leave me alone, I would grab a kitchen knife & aim it at my heart while staring at myself through a mirror in the dining room. I remember thinking I was ugly & not enough. At the time I couldn't have known that I was interpreting these feelings because a very close relative of mine was getting a lot of attention due to their unfortunate circumstances. I was the good kid that was overlooked.

During my teenage years, I buried abandonment issues with marijuana. I didn't want to die but I didn't place much value at all on my life. If you could smoke your life to death, I'm fairly confident I would have died in those years.

Moving on to my 20's, alcohol brought much fun and comfort. I didn't want to die most of the time. I was too obliterated to care about much of anything until I found Christ. I accepted Him in to my life with passion & sincerity. He brought me hope. I typically filled my weeks with work & God while party binging on the weekends. On rare occasions, I would call my friend, Amy to come & remove all the knives from my apartment so I wouldn't be tempted to hurt myself until I knew I was mentally stable again.

My 30's were consumed with 3 babies & a bonus child. My existence was in them. Not sure I even thought much at all about myself during those years, lol. It really took me 14 years to get back to me at 43 years young. So much has happened in my life this year since Covid that suicidal ideations have been a daily struggle for 8 months and counting. These days, my thoughts are more creative than before. I look at bridges & trees along the road differently. I have on & off days. As I claw my way out of this hole, I am seeing more good days than not but it's an intentional effort. I see a therapist minimally 1-3 times a week. I see a prayer counselor 2-4 times a month & spend a great amount of time with on-line sermons & nature. I am finding what works best for me. Hiking & biking with some praise music, sermons & devotionals are my weapons against these evil thoughts. I fill my brain with as much good as I can in hopes of recording over the bad. I know my thoughts can be irrational. I know it's not the right way to think & that I am not seeing the truth in my despair but I can't turn off my brain. I deal with them in healthy ways & pray for the day when I wake up & the nightmare of being stuck in my head is over. I live for everyone else right now. I go through the hard work of fixing myself because I know my family needs me. That's why I fight.

The following are some thoughts I think most mentally healthy persons wouldn't get about suicidal thinkers:

1. I wouldn't be harming the people I love by leaving. I would be helping them because their lives would be better without me. Suicide is not selfish to the suicidal person. On the contrary, it's the most selfless thing they know how to do.

2. Suicide is the absolute only way for me to be rid of this pain. It is my only hope at peace.

3. I don't deserve to live on this earth without this pain, so I should eliminate the burden I am placing on everyone by being here.

4. If only I had the courage to actually commit suicide instead of being a coward by not.

5. The sooner I am gone, the sooner everyone can move on & be happier.

This isn't a cry for help. I am already getting that from my trusted group of blessings. This is me letting you know how you might be able to help others that may be struggling with the same ideas. I also hope you will notice that the person struggling isn't being selfish like most think. On the contrary, those with suicidal tendencies think they are helping the world & those around them by not living in it. Their selfishness comes in staying here which causes those they love to have to deal with them & their depression or anxieties.

Ok, enough of the gloom. Let's grab a shovel & start digging our way out. What are some ways you can help someone:

1. Notice people without taking responsibility for their health. I had over 1,000 Facebook friends . I posted daily for years because of my on-line business. When I became suicidal I withdrew. I quit posting. I eventually shut off my account altogether for a few months. During that time, I only had 2 people out of over 1,000 reach out to ask what was going on that I disappeared.

2. Don't take no for an answer. Sometimes you need to make a person talk to you. If one of your closest friends isn't getting out of bed, grab some pj's & join them there. Don't let them keep bailing on you. Even if you just send a text, it helps.

3. A friend of mine spent $15 on little daily scripture notes. I used them everyday. They were my encouragement to make it to another day even if it was just to see what the next scripture was, (I wouldn't allow myself to look ahead to the next day's scripture).

If you are the one suffering with these thoughts please know:

1. Everything you are going through is temporary. Everything in this life is.

2. Find a different good song everyday. Wanting to live another day to hear a Creedence Clearwater Revival Song gave me hope once.

3. Talk your suicidal thoughts to death. Literally. Find a counselor to help retrain your thoughts with coping techniques. All counselors are different. Don't stop looking for one until you find that special person that resonates with you.

4. Exercise. Force yourself if you have to. Get up & get outside. Nature is amazing & she will give you a peace, comfort & knowing of God.

5. Know that you are not alone. There are others, myself included that know exactly how you are feeling. It's ok to feel those feelings. You aren't crazy. There are a ton of trusted non-judgmental people that you can confide in.

6. I promise you, there is more to your story than what you are going through. Don't allow this to be the end of it.

7. God is real. He created you with a purpose. It isn't suicide. Don't let satan take away what God can use for good. I know you don't see it now but have faith that your existence wasn't a mistake.

8. Suicide has a much longer effect on your family than you think. It will be talked about for generations & those after you will think it an option for them because of what you did.

9. You aren't worthy of a better life. Not because of who you are or aren't but because none of us are worthy of anything we've been given. It's called grace. God gives it freely to use without payment. We can't earn it. We have to receive it. Accept that He loves you in spite of what you think of yourself. His thoughts are not yours thankfully. If you can't live for yourself, live for others & Him.

10. If you still aren't convinced that you should be here, then stay because you don't deserve to die. You deserve to go through this hell here. (I know this sounds ridiculous, but you'd be surprised how often I've thought this in my distress).

11. Want to want to live so badly that you don't give up. Try & try again until you find a solution, techniques to help you cope with life's stressors so you can help someone else who needs guidance from the pain you went through.

I'm still clawing my way out of my ditch. I am not healed enough to do more to help than to put myself & my experiences out there. I'm praying that's enough for now to help someone else survive suicide. If you need prayers, please shoot me a message so I can put a name to the prayer. God bless!