a victim not victimized

I am a victim, but I am not victimized. My confidence and voice have been stolen from me for more times than I would like to admit. I have been molested as a child, silenced. Abandoned by a parent for years, silenced. Date raped as a young adult, silenced. Feared for my life in an abusive relationship, silenced. Contemplated and planned suicide numerous times, but silenced. I have allowed others to mold me into what they wanted me to be and kept my voice silent to fulfill their expectations. I have kept quiet trying to live a life in the shadows to appease what I thought others expected while feeling like God created me to be someone different.

I am afraid to be me though. What if I don’t measure up? What if the real me disappoints those I love? Will I be abandoned again? Will I be silenced if I step out of my comfort zone to become who God created me to be? Should what those who have silenced me for so many years really matter that much? Even if they are all that I have and love?

Outwardly they think I am fearful and fragile. I am an emotional mess. Inwardly, I am fighting the battle of my life. I am in counseling 2-3 times a week and can become suicidal at the drop of a hat. When hearing a story of a suicide victim jumping off a bridge, my biggest thought was, “What bridge did he jump?” But there is a bigger lion raging inside of me that wants to just SCREAM! I want out of this cell that I have allowed the world to silence.

Colossians 1:21-23 says, “Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now He has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation-if you continue in your faith, established and firm not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under Heaven…”. I will not allow my sins, shame, and guilt to hold me back from the life God has for me. I will look to the Lord to settle the voices in my head that tell me I am not enough. I am not worthy. I am not loved. The Truth tells me that I am made clean because of Christ’s death. My sins died with Him that day He was crucified on the cross so that I could be free from accusations and judgements. Jesus took those from me because He loves me and knew that I would mess up. He knew I would not have the strength on my own to get over myself. This forgiveness and love are offered to, “every creature” on earth under Heaven. This includes you. There are not exceptions to anyone because there isn’t anyone God can’t and doesn’t want to help. If you are sick and tired of being silenced and want to find your voice in who God created you to be, and need some prayers or encouragement, let me know. Mathew 18:20 states, “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Let’s unite to make our voices louder and fight to not allow our pasts to define our future and present.